First Day

Of course I actually tried to look cute on the first day of school.

I actually did my hair!

I like this picture,
but it had super weird lighting.

Ubes Awk...

Okay... so I actually don't do the whole "ubes," "totes," "awk" stuff... but I like saying "ubes awk" together.  Plus, it totally describes my social life.  I need to learn better social skills.  I totally SUCK at making friends.  Whenever I open my mouth to a stranger I just end up embarrassing myself.

Ughh!

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL!

~~~

Scenarios:

1)
Two days ago we were walking to lunch, and there were these two girls behind me.  They saw the food and one said "That looks good." And the other girl said "You look good," in a totally seductive way.  I thought it was funny and that she was just joking around.  So I turned around laughing and said "Ha!  That was funny!"  ...Only to notice that they were holding hands.  They were lesbians.  And the one girl wasn't joking when she said that seductively.  So then I just looked really awkward and rude.  I don't support homosexuals, but I'm not against them.  I accept them.  But what happened just made me look like a completely prejudiced freak.  It was awful.

2)
And last night there were these guys on the bus discussing the music they were singing  (I assumed in All-State).  I was sorta half-asleep, but I was listening anyway.  (Oh, and the guys were cute.  Which made it double awkward.)  They named a few songs and were like "Does anyone remember what the other song we're singing is?"  And I knew the All-State choir was singing Daemon, but he hadn't mentioned it.  So after a while I decided to speak up and said "It's Daemon.  You're singing Daemon."  And he looked at me and said "No, another choir.  Our choir at home."  And then he turned away.  He was really polite about it, and I'm sure it doesn't even matter, but still... he was cute.  And I felt like an idiot.  I need social skill lessons.

3)
And then today after the concert Challis and I were walking back to the gym as the band and orchestra kids were walking to the auditorium.  And we passed a guy (across a field) who had the same bright red cello case I have!  So I yelled at him "Hey!  I have that same cello case!"  And apparently he didn't hear me, so I said it again.  And then he DEFINITELY heard me.  And he looked at me and said "...sweet" in a really annoyed, uninterested voice.  I was so embarrassed because everyone was looking at me.  I even embarrassed Challis.  So yeah.  I was pretty bad.  Ughhh...

~~~

Please teach me how to speak to strangers.

Am I Narcissistic?

So... ever since I have started the 365 Day Picture Challenge  I have really liked taking pictures of myself.  Is that bad?  I'm not full of myself or anything... I just really like taking pictures of my pretty face. :)  Here are some of my favorites I have taken so far this year.

I don't know about you... but I seem to think these pictures look pretty dang good. ;)

What I Do at Lunch

Will the real Elizabeth Ashby please stand up?

Who am I?

I thought I knew the answer to this question... but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been going through this phase, and it's like I don't know who I really am. As soon as I think I know I start to question myself. I find myself changing constantly, and if I'm always changing how am I supposed to know what and who I am 'supposed' to be? Is that even possible? To be someone continually? Because it seems to me that everyone has an identity, but it is always changing even the slightest bit that if you describe yourself one day the description could be unreliable the next. Does anyone really know for themselves exactly who they are? They can know little bits and pieces that never change: your name, who your parents are, where you're from. But those can be answered by their own questions. The question "Who are you?" begs a unique, individual answer that is hard to discover.

~~~

Who am I?

"You ask me the question who am I?
Well I guess I should start with my name.
But my name is in essence just a series of letters,
Surely that won’t be met with acclaim.

So what does my name represent?
What is it that makes up my being?
When I live each moment of this life I am given,
What is it that people are seeing?

I guess firstly they see my outside:
My height, my size, my hairstyle,
The colour of my eyes and the tone of my skin,
And the whiteness of my smile.

But soon after that initial impression,
My soul will start to shine through.
The things I do and the words I speak
Will start to define that ‘who’.

So the real question is what’s in my soul,
What are the parameters of ‘me’?
And can who I am be labelled that way,
Or is it supposed to be free?

Free from description and definition and such,
Free from analytical ID.
Free to pursue my goals and my dreams
Without needing to ask, ‘Is that me?’

Or is that an excuse? To hide away,
And to pretend we don’t need to ask?
Is discovering ourselves and who we are
Really our greatest task?

The truth is I know I can be labelled
Christian, analytical, deep.
I know I’m that stuff, but is that enough?
Because it actually all just feels cheap.

I guess what the question really asks,
Is if I am doing alright.
Am I the good Christian girl I ought to be?
Am I doing enough with this life?

I know we’re all made different,
I know we are each unique
But there are still expectations that have to be met,
And I don’t want to be seen to be weak.

I want to be significant
To have my own part to play
To know that I am worthy of doing my bit
To be recognized and to have my say.
Yet all this is rubbish really
Because its once again focussed on self.
Not that it doesn’t matter to God,
But our significance should not be our wealth.

If we choose to be Gods' people,
Not striving to be a ‘star’.
‘Who am I’ is replaced with loving God more,
Trusting Him to shape who we are."

~~~

As in this poem (which I can take no credit for writing, by the way), I am constantly wondering who I am. Am I doing everything right? Is this the way I am supposed to turn out? I don't know, but I would like to. Unfortunately, that isn't possible.

~~~

Who Am I?

Eagar, excited
for the new year
with my new book-bag and pencils
notebooks and shoes

But this time
it’s different, you see
this is not elementary school
anymore

more and more teasing
crueler and crueler

more and more pressure
crushing me

more expectations
lurking in the shadows

more people waiting
to laugh when I fall

everything changes so quickly
so fast
until I wonder
Who am i?

I want to fit in
I want to have friends
I want acceptance
I want more than I have

Anything, anything
to gain what I desire
If everyone approves it
I will surrender

Heavy black liner, shadow, and gloss
a hard, fake mask of makeup
smeared onto my face?
I will do it, I will

Tiny tiny skirts and low cut tops?
I will buy them, and I will wear them

Lie to my parents and yell at my brother?
Yes, alright.
I promise I will

Go up to boys
And let their eyes and hands
Wander?
I will let them
I will, I will

Because I don’t matter
It’s everyone else that does
Yet all this doesn’t help
I am still alone
All by myself

I gave everything up, and still it’s not enough
I thought I would be happy
But I was wrong

I am still wondering
Who am i?

A new day begins
I want to be free
to fly up, up high
Not to stay grounded
with everyone else

I wash my face
I change my clothes
I apologize to my family
And rediscover my dignity

No more following
and no more pandering

Who am i?
Well, I know now

The truth is
I am me.

~~~

Sometimes I feel like the girl in this poem (another poem which I did not write). One thing I want more than anything else in the world is to fit in. I won't go as far as to compromise my standards for this, however. I want to fit in and be liked for who am I, not someone who I'm not. The problem with this is that if I don't even know for myself who I am, how are others going to know? And why would they accept someone who they can't categorize? It's a mad world, and this last question can be very difficult to answer, though it shouldn't be. I want to know who I am. I know I'm Elizabeth. I know I'm a daughter of God. I know I love music. But what else? That's doesn't seem very specific. I want to know more of who I am. But who can I do that? How?

Emotional. Wreck.

WARNING: The post below is full of personal feelings and opinions that may be surprising or hurtful. Feel free to not read it; I mostly just wrote it for my sake to get these things off of my mind.

Disclaimer: You have been forewarned. Therefore, I am not responsible for any hurt feelings that could possibly result from the following words.

---

Oh please, not this again. Why am I crying? Someone please tell me, because I honestly don't know. At the end of last school year this happened too. I thought I was over it. I started feeling all depressed all the time. And I started crying for no apparent reason. Why must it happen again? I can't think of many things not going well in my life, and the few things I wish would change are countered by the many good things. We can't all have everything we want, and I've accepted that...

My subconscious, on the other hand, hasn't.

---

I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of this, but I just feel so alone. I have a large family, and a lot of friends, but I think about them and feel like I'm not connected enough to any of them for them to understand. I feel like I have hundreds of good friends, but, when it comes to BEST friends, I feel like

I. Have. None.

I don't know who all is going to read this, but if you are somewhat offended that I don't think of you as a best friend then think for a second...

-how much do we hang out?

-how much do we really tell each other?

-how much do we laugh together?

-how much do we act like best friends?

There are always those friendship things that say things like "A good friend will do that, But a best friend will do this." I read those and think, "That is so true! ...but how come that doesn't happen for me?"

Maybe I'm being a little bit of a downer. There are a few people who are probably considered on the border-line of good and best friends, they're really close. And I have a few friends that I have considered "best" in the past... but things have changed.

I have changed.

I promise it's not your fault. It's all me. (Geez, I feel like I'm breaking up with someone or something...) I hate change, but it happens.

---

I really suck at this... this 'missing people' thing. I miss Matt, heck, I even miss Rachel! (And I never really cared all that much about her leaving in the first place.) I also miss a certain Rees. He is my brother's friend who is also on a mission. A couple years ago I had a crush on him, I felt that I was over it though. Last night I had this dream, and he was in it. (It wasn't necessarily about him, he was just in it.) That dream made me realize that I MISS HIM. And I honestly don't know why I am sharing all of this personal stuff online, and yet I am. Oh well. I think missing people is one of the reasons I cry, though I'm not sure (hence why I said I don't know why I'm crying).

---

Maybe I'm overbooked.

Maybe that is the cause to all my problems.

Maybe I could drop something.

But what would that make me? A quitter. I'm not a quitter. I'm Elizabeth. I sing. I swim. I play water polo. I play the piano and the cello. I am in JIVE. These are

WHO I AM

Quitting would just be throwing away all that I am and all that I have ever worked for. No. I refuse to do that just so I have more time to hang out with so-called friends, or so I am less snippity around my family. Honestly, I don't care. We all have to deal with problems. If it just so happens that I am your problem, then too bad. Deal with it. Deal with me.

---

Will it ever get better?

Will I ever be normal?

Will I ever stop feeling like this?

Yes. No. Yes.

It will get better. When? I have no idea.

I won't be normal. In fact, I don't think normal even exists; everyone is unique (aka, their own kind of weird).

I felt like this before, and it stopped. So this will stop again. If it will come back again, I know not. But it probably will, and when it does I will just deal with it.

There is only one thing left to do.

PRAY.