Emotional. Wreck.

WARNING: The post below is full of personal feelings and opinions that may be surprising or hurtful. Feel free to not read it; I mostly just wrote it for my sake to get these things off of my mind.

Disclaimer: You have been forewarned. Therefore, I am not responsible for any hurt feelings that could possibly result from the following words.

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Oh please, not this again. Why am I crying? Someone please tell me, because I honestly don't know. At the end of last school year this happened too. I thought I was over it. I started feeling all depressed all the time. And I started crying for no apparent reason. Why must it happen again? I can't think of many things not going well in my life, and the few things I wish would change are countered by the many good things. We can't all have everything we want, and I've accepted that...

My subconscious, on the other hand, hasn't.

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I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of this, but I just feel so alone. I have a large family, and a lot of friends, but I think about them and feel like I'm not connected enough to any of them for them to understand. I feel like I have hundreds of good friends, but, when it comes to BEST friends, I feel like

I. Have. None.

I don't know who all is going to read this, but if you are somewhat offended that I don't think of you as a best friend then think for a second...

-how much do we hang out?

-how much do we really tell each other?

-how much do we laugh together?

-how much do we act like best friends?

There are always those friendship things that say things like "A good friend will do that, But a best friend will do this." I read those and think, "That is so true! ...but how come that doesn't happen for me?"

Maybe I'm being a little bit of a downer. There are a few people who are probably considered on the border-line of good and best friends, they're really close. And I have a few friends that I have considered "best" in the past... but things have changed.

I have changed.

I promise it's not your fault. It's all me. (Geez, I feel like I'm breaking up with someone or something...) I hate change, but it happens.

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I really suck at this... this 'missing people' thing. I miss Matt, heck, I even miss Rachel! (And I never really cared all that much about her leaving in the first place.) I also miss a certain Rees. He is my brother's friend who is also on a mission. A couple years ago I had a crush on him, I felt that I was over it though. Last night I had this dream, and he was in it. (It wasn't necessarily about him, he was just in it.) That dream made me realize that I MISS HIM. And I honestly don't know why I am sharing all of this personal stuff online, and yet I am. Oh well. I think missing people is one of the reasons I cry, though I'm not sure (hence why I said I don't know why I'm crying).

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Maybe I'm overbooked.

Maybe that is the cause to all my problems.

Maybe I could drop something.

But what would that make me? A quitter. I'm not a quitter. I'm Elizabeth. I sing. I swim. I play water polo. I play the piano and the cello. I am in JIVE. These are

WHO I AM

Quitting would just be throwing away all that I am and all that I have ever worked for. No. I refuse to do that just so I have more time to hang out with so-called friends, or so I am less snippity around my family. Honestly, I don't care. We all have to deal with problems. If it just so happens that I am your problem, then too bad. Deal with it. Deal with me.

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Will it ever get better?

Will I ever be normal?

Will I ever stop feeling like this?

Yes. No. Yes.

It will get better. When? I have no idea.

I won't be normal. In fact, I don't think normal even exists; everyone is unique (aka, their own kind of weird).

I felt like this before, and it stopped. So this will stop again. If it will come back again, I know not. But it probably will, and when it does I will just deal with it.

There is only one thing left to do.

PRAY.