Will the real Elizabeth Ashby please stand up?

Who am I?

I thought I knew the answer to this question... but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been going through this phase, and it's like I don't know who I really am. As soon as I think I know I start to question myself. I find myself changing constantly, and if I'm always changing how am I supposed to know what and who I am 'supposed' to be? Is that even possible? To be someone continually? Because it seems to me that everyone has an identity, but it is always changing even the slightest bit that if you describe yourself one day the description could be unreliable the next. Does anyone really know for themselves exactly who they are? They can know little bits and pieces that never change: your name, who your parents are, where you're from. But those can be answered by their own questions. The question "Who are you?" begs a unique, individual answer that is hard to discover.

~~~

Who am I?

"You ask me the question who am I?
Well I guess I should start with my name.
But my name is in essence just a series of letters,
Surely that won’t be met with acclaim.

So what does my name represent?
What is it that makes up my being?
When I live each moment of this life I am given,
What is it that people are seeing?

I guess firstly they see my outside:
My height, my size, my hairstyle,
The colour of my eyes and the tone of my skin,
And the whiteness of my smile.

But soon after that initial impression,
My soul will start to shine through.
The things I do and the words I speak
Will start to define that ‘who’.

So the real question is what’s in my soul,
What are the parameters of ‘me’?
And can who I am be labelled that way,
Or is it supposed to be free?

Free from description and definition and such,
Free from analytical ID.
Free to pursue my goals and my dreams
Without needing to ask, ‘Is that me?’

Or is that an excuse? To hide away,
And to pretend we don’t need to ask?
Is discovering ourselves and who we are
Really our greatest task?

The truth is I know I can be labelled
Christian, analytical, deep.
I know I’m that stuff, but is that enough?
Because it actually all just feels cheap.

I guess what the question really asks,
Is if I am doing alright.
Am I the good Christian girl I ought to be?
Am I doing enough with this life?

I know we’re all made different,
I know we are each unique
But there are still expectations that have to be met,
And I don’t want to be seen to be weak.

I want to be significant
To have my own part to play
To know that I am worthy of doing my bit
To be recognized and to have my say.
Yet all this is rubbish really
Because its once again focussed on self.
Not that it doesn’t matter to God,
But our significance should not be our wealth.

If we choose to be Gods' people,
Not striving to be a ‘star’.
‘Who am I’ is replaced with loving God more,
Trusting Him to shape who we are."

~~~

As in this poem (which I can take no credit for writing, by the way), I am constantly wondering who I am. Am I doing everything right? Is this the way I am supposed to turn out? I don't know, but I would like to. Unfortunately, that isn't possible.

~~~

Who Am I?

Eagar, excited
for the new year
with my new book-bag and pencils
notebooks and shoes

But this time
it’s different, you see
this is not elementary school
anymore

more and more teasing
crueler and crueler

more and more pressure
crushing me

more expectations
lurking in the shadows

more people waiting
to laugh when I fall

everything changes so quickly
so fast
until I wonder
Who am i?

I want to fit in
I want to have friends
I want acceptance
I want more than I have

Anything, anything
to gain what I desire
If everyone approves it
I will surrender

Heavy black liner, shadow, and gloss
a hard, fake mask of makeup
smeared onto my face?
I will do it, I will

Tiny tiny skirts and low cut tops?
I will buy them, and I will wear them

Lie to my parents and yell at my brother?
Yes, alright.
I promise I will

Go up to boys
And let their eyes and hands
Wander?
I will let them
I will, I will

Because I don’t matter
It’s everyone else that does
Yet all this doesn’t help
I am still alone
All by myself

I gave everything up, and still it’s not enough
I thought I would be happy
But I was wrong

I am still wondering
Who am i?

A new day begins
I want to be free
to fly up, up high
Not to stay grounded
with everyone else

I wash my face
I change my clothes
I apologize to my family
And rediscover my dignity

No more following
and no more pandering

Who am i?
Well, I know now

The truth is
I am me.

~~~

Sometimes I feel like the girl in this poem (another poem which I did not write). One thing I want more than anything else in the world is to fit in. I won't go as far as to compromise my standards for this, however. I want to fit in and be liked for who am I, not someone who I'm not. The problem with this is that if I don't even know for myself who I am, how are others going to know? And why would they accept someone who they can't categorize? It's a mad world, and this last question can be very difficult to answer, though it shouldn't be. I want to know who I am. I know I'm Elizabeth. I know I'm a daughter of God. I know I love music. But what else? That's doesn't seem very specific. I want to know more of who I am. But who can I do that? How?